Whether it is political negotiation or daily communication, conflicts among people are inevitable. Serious consequences may affect the future of the entire government or country, while minor ones will lead to discord and difficulty. Compromise is a way to resolve conflicts. Keeping an equal balance in compromise is to make mutual concessions, regardless of winning or losing (unlike the win-win situation favored by cooperation), and reduce the loss to both parties. However, to make a balanced compromise, some basic considerations are needed.
First of all, both parties must accept a common goal. No matter what kind of discussion, the goal must be clearly defined, and the methods to achieve it should be negotiable. Both parties must agree before further coordination is possible. Just like taking different routes to arrive at the same destination. If the goal and the method are confused, it is easy to get stuck on insignificant points but forgo the major issues. Then, it is difficult to obtain a mutual agreement.
The second consideration is that there are common principles or values. No compromise can be reached if one party only seeks to achieve its goal by any means, while the other party sticks to the rules of the game. One side believes that life is eternal and that God will be the final judge of right and wrong, while the other side believes that death is the end of everything, and it’s okay to take actions based on personal likes and dislikes. In some insignificant matters, such as eating Chinese or Western food, there’s no need to contend. When it comes to major decisions—for example, whether it’s okay to have affairs there’s no compromise.
Another consideration is that we need to deal with facts. No matter what the final result is, avoid personal attacks. This kind of compromise is easily seen in the legal world. The prosecutors and the defense lawyers may present evidence in court, call witnesses, seek favorable conditions for their respective sides in front of the judge, and sternly attack each other’s arguments. More than often, they agree to settle out of court. After work, the lawyers on both sides may even meet for dinner. In the Anglo-American culture, the elementary school already teaches how to conduct vigorous debates without hurting each other’s feelings. It is easier to resolve conflicts if we can distinguish between facts and people.
Unfair compromise is the submission of the weak to the strong, which appears acceptable in the short term but cannot resolve the conflict in the long run. To achieve a constructive compromise, we must respect each other, make fair concessions, and negotiate in good faith to seek common interests. Such a starting point will strengthen our relationship.
(Ken, retired pastor. Ken served in 3 different churches from 1987-2020.)
