Pastor Ken
In Chinese culture, the act of inviting someone to dine out is considered an art. The invitee will typically consider the relationship between the host and guest, as well as their respective roles. For example, if a boss invites their subordinates, they must attend to show appreciation and loyalty. Similarly, if an elder invites a younger person, it’s disrespectful to decline. When invited by someone with a business relationship, caution is advised as there may be underlying motives at play. Eating together may blur the lines between business and personal matters. Dining with friends of the same generation may seem simpler, but issues can arise when it comes to settling the bill.
In the past, a common scene in Hong Kong restaurants was for someone to “grab” the check. When the waiter brought the check, whoever grabbed it first would be the one paying. If you weren’t quick enough, there could even be a bit of a tug-of-war over the bill. I have witnessed instances where a person wanted to pay with a credit card, and the waiter had already taken both the bill and card to the counter. Another person wishing to pay would then go directly to the counter to settle the bill with his own card. Why not agree in advance who would be the host and take care of the check? Well, it was part of the cultural norms in Hong Kong.
Usually, the person who extends the invitation is viewed as the host. Yet, if the guest promptly accepts the gesture, it may seem somewhat impolite. When it comes time to settle the bill, the guest should decline the offer first. Should the host insist on footing the bill, the guest will graciously accept, fostering a sense of camaraderie. This is how bonds of friendship are forged.
The customs of Western culture can be quite different. In one memorable instance, my wife and I attended a dinner party at a colleague’s house, along with a group of about a dozen other guests. As dinner approached, our host surprised us by asking everyone to choose their meal from a take-out menu of a nearby restaurant. To our astonishment, when the food arrived, each guest was asked to pay for their own order! While the host provided drinks and salads, the main course was on us. This was a first for us and remains the only time we’ve encountered such an experience.
During another incident at a restaurant, I observed a three-generation family at the table next to mine, evident from the children referring to the older couple as grandpa and grandma. Their conversation hinted at relatives residing in a specific town in Germany. When the bill arrived, they requested separate checks, with the elderly couple paying for their own meals. It appeared to be a customary practice for them, indicating a sense of tradition and decorum.
In Chinese tradition, there is a saying emphasizing the importance of treating out-of-town visitors as honored guests. So, when you visit old friends in another city and they invite you to dine out, it’s customary for the host to cover the expenses. Nevertheless, guests who are familiar with the custom should bring gifts as a gesture of appreciation. The focus is not on the monetary aspect, but on fostering a sense of mutual respect. The hosts display generosity, while the guests show gratitude, with both parties anticipating the opportunity to reciprocate in the future.
When invited to a dinner, to avoid ambiguity, my usual practice is to find out the following: Is there a special occasion? How many people will be attending? Who is the host and who are the guests? Typically, the host will take care of the bill. If it’s just a casual gathering with friends, it’s best to pay separately. You can offer to cover drinks or dessert as a thoughtful gesture. By ensuring clear communication and understanding, we not only share a meal but also deepen our friendships.
