Pastor Ken
As discussed previously, conflicts in interpersonal relationships are inevitable. Therefore, it’s prudent to leverage them to achieve mutually beneficial outcomes. Effectively managing conflict requires a deep understanding of both self and the other party, particularly our typical reactions to discord. This article will concentrate on long-term relationships—such as those found in marriages, parent-child dynamics, church collaborations, and corporate partnerships—where the aim is to foster amicable connections and pursue shared objectives.
Many years ago, when my wife and I were newlyweds, we often clashed over trivial matters. My instinct was to stay silent, withholding my opinions and avoiding discussion. Meanwhile, she couldn’t rest until everything was laid out and discussed thoroughly, keen to identify the underlying issues and determine who was right or wrong. The less I said, the more frustrated she became. I couldn’t help but wonder why two people who loved each other struggled with even minor disagreements.
As time passed, we began to understand each other more deeply and realized the influence our families had on us. My father would often respond to conflicts with silence, and my mother would also refrain from speaking. We, as children, perceived that our parents never quarreled openly, but instead engaged in “cold wars.” After a few days of silence, they would start talking again, signaling the end of the conflict. In contrast, my wife’s parents handled disagreements differently. They would raise their voices, fully expressing their grievances. Once everything was out in the open, peace would be restored, and they could swiftly return to normalcy, laughing and enjoying each other’s company as if nothing had happened.
This demonstrates that when conflicts arise, there are at least two approaches: avoidance and confrontation, often referred to as “cold war” and “hot war.” A cold war manifests as passive aggressiveness, where discontent is communicated through tolerance and silence. Abstaining from engagement denies the other party the satisfaction of victory, thus ending the conflict. Conversely, a hot war involves confronting the issue head-on with arguments that quickly overwhelm the other party. Once the other party concedes, the conflict is resolved.
However, consistently relying on a single method for conflict resolution can have adverse long-term effects. A prolonged cold war can lead to deep-seated resentment, eventually provoking revenge when the opportunity arises. In contrast, persistent hot war tactics can reduce relationships to mere contests of argumentation, neglecting the emotional needs of those involved. While logic and reason can determine the correctness of certain actions, subjective experiences like aesthetics, music, and scenery cannot be fully explained through objective data alone.
There are several effective strategies for managing conflicts. One approach is compromise, where both parties make concessions, understanding that cooperation is essential for a resolution. By prioritizing mutual acceptance over individual demands, a more harmonious outcome can be achieved.
Another method is accommodation. In a marriage, it’s crucial to recognize that certain personality traits and habits are hard to change. Acceptance of these quirks is necessary to coexist peacefully.
A further strategy is collaboration, where conflict is used as an opportunity to reveal each other’s strengths and weaknesses. By leveraging each other’s strengths to offset weaknesses, both parties can work together effectively and also foster mutual respect and admiration, paving the way for a shared, prosperous future.
It’s important to understand that conflict is a natural occurrence and not inherently negative. Rather than trying to eliminate it, we should focus on managing it effectively. While everyone has their preferred way of dealing with conflict, it’s beneficial to consider various approaches depending on the situation. Understanding both ourselves and our counterparts gives us a better chance of resolving conflicts constructively.
